Shopping with Satan

Thursday, January 19, 2012

(This fiasco actually happened on Tuesday, but it took me a few days to recover before I could write about it.)

As with most things in my life, I have the best of intentions. I start each day with a positive attitude and thoughts that everything's going to run on schedule. Then, as things start to unravel, I say little prayers throughout the day for patience, understanding and a sense of calm in the storm.

Well, storm it did! It was more like a monsoon rather.

Bianca had a dentist appointment early in the morning, so I loaded everyone up in our big, black bus (a gas-guzzling Suburban) and headed into town for the day. I needed to go to the bank, stop at the camera shop, go grocery shopping…the usual, mundane tasks of life.

The grocery store is something I've only tried one other time with all three girls by myself, and on that trip I made a mental note to remember my infant carrier so I could carry one baby on my chest while the other rode in her car seat at the top of the cart. (I knew this was important because the obnoxious, doublewide carts with the car in front aren't quite wide enough for two car seats. They fit, but just tight enough that I worry one wrong turn and it will be " Baby Clean-up in Aisle Five!")

I was pleasantly optimistic as we pulled in at Kroger, because of our successful, non-eventful trip to the dentist. 

Just as I was collecting my coupon binder and diaper bag to get everyone out of the car, a cloud descended on the Kroger parking lot and dropped rain on us by the bucket. It was coming sideways, swaying the car with the wind. At first, I was thankful that we weren't in the parking lot when this happened. But as the rain continued and my babies began to cry, I became frustrated. Why did I think I could do all of this by myself? Why didn't I ask someone to watch my girls so I could do this with one child instead of three? Why don't I just pack it up and go home?

If I'd accepted defeat and gone home, I still would have had to listen to two screaming babies for twenty minutes. Then we would have been home in a house with no food, which wouldn't work. I decided I could shimmy my body through the three car seats into the very back seat. I had a jar of baby food I'd planned to feed the girls in the Starbuck's dining area in the grocery, so why not just feed them in the car while we wait? 

Well, this was easier said than done. I had to get my legs out from under my steering wheel, prop my hip up onto my console and drop my body down onto the floor between the bucket seats. Then I had to reach back up in the front seat for the diaper bag, take Brylee out of her car seat base and sit her off to the side of the back seat to give me room to straddle the base and fall into the back seat. (Step One: Check)

I alternated spoons full of baby food for each of my girls - crying like little birds with their mouths wide-open waiting for each bite. (After my babies eat, they know a bottle is coming. Initially, all I saw was Bianca's Sprite from lunch. While I contemplated how the girls might enjoy the sweetness, I quickly put that thought out of my mind.) Luckily, there was an old bottle of water in my car. How old? I'm not quite certain, but not old enough for concern. I got both babies quieted down just in time for Bianca to completely fall apart. (It always amazes me how fast they can go from sweet and angelic to demon spawn.)

"I've got to go potty!" she screamed while frantically kicking her feet against the back of my seat.

"Hold it, Bianca," I pleaded. "We'll go in as soon as the rain stops."

"Get me out of my seat!" she wailed. "I don't want to be stuck in here forever!"

Me Either, I thought. I wanted to cry myself. But I saw sunshine off in the distance and knew if couldn't rain that much longer or getting into the grocery was going to be the least of my worries...we were going to float away.

The rain stopped. And as I got the babies out, I realized I’d forgotten the carrier I so desperately needed. I got them in a temporary cart to get us inside Kroger where they keep the above-mentioned obnoxious carts...the doublewide with the car in the front to keep the kids occupied (thank God for whoever invented those.)

As I get all the girls loaded in the cart I realize I've left my coupon binder in the car. Great! I really consider leaving it in the car, but talk myself out of it when I remember I'm trying to save money. So off we go, Bianca leading the way in her green and yellow car.

The next stop for this train is the bathroom, which brings the obvious set of challenges. How do you get a cart this size in the bathroom? Once you’re in the bathroom, how do you keep up with everyone?

Luckily, Kroger has a family bathroom. As I approach the bathroom a mother with one baby is leaving. She looks particularly frazzled trying to adjust her diaper bag, maneuver the cart and hold her baby. Then she glances up at me, and I can see a look of pity creep across her face.

The best way I can describe the scene in the bathroom is like the clip from Mister Mom where Michael Keaton is in the bathroom with his three kids, with toilet paper all over the floor, where he’s using the hand dryer on the baby’s bottom.

By now it feels like it’s about ten o’clock at night – it’s really only one in the afternoon – but it seems like this shopping trip is taking a year-and-a-half and I don’t even have anything in my cart that I didn’t bring into the store with me.

We get through the store without any major mishaps, and after all of the trials and tribulations I feel like we should save about a hundred dollars in coupons. When the cashier hands me my receipt and tells me I’ve saved thirty dollars I just want to throw something or hit something or rip the huge pile of coupons up and scatter them across the floor.

Because I’ve just put in about 200 percent more effort than I normally would on a shopping trip – and for what? Thirty dollars? Really?

Next week I’m doing something I never thought I would. I’m going to a couponing class. Not only do I want to save money, but now I also feel like I have a vested interest. And I want to know the secret. I want to know how people can sustain the time it takes to clip coupons, save a ton of money, and not physically hurt someone in the process.