R-O-C-K in the N-O-S-E

Do you ever wonder what possesses people to do the things they do? I’m not talking about the important decisions in life – like why anyone would think it sounds like a good idea to run for president… or why the Duggars think their family isn’t complete.

No, I’m talking about those are you really that stupid, how did you think that was going to end anyway but badly, what on Earth possessed you to do that moments….You know, the ones you don’t ever want to admit began in your own brain.

 

When I was about fourteen, obviously old enough to know better, I vividly remember walking on my dad’s treadmill when the most brilliant thought crossed my mind – ‘I wonder what would happen if I closed my eyes and tried to walk on the treadmill?’

Obviously, if you closed your eyes while walking outside you might trip over a curb, run into a tree or get hit by a car. But indoors, in a controlled environment, shouldn’t you be able to safely walk on a moving, two-foot belt surrounded by a stationary surface?

Fortunately for me my dad’s house at the time was pretty big….so no one heard the loud crash as my body slammed into the wall after being kicked off the still-moving belt. (If you’ve ever wondered why a treadmill needs a safety leash, it’s for dumbasses like me. Had I had the forethought to attach the useless safety unit to my body, I might have avoided the road rash that glistened down the left side of my face for a week.)

What in the hell possessed me to try walking on a treadmill with my eyes closed? I have no idea! But it must be the same huh, I wonder if this might work, seems like a funny thing to try, it must be fun if I might end-up in the emergency room train of thought that caused my daughter to shove a rock up her nostril.

 

To all those mothers out there…have you ever noticed that your children somehow have an internal radar that lets them know when you’re planning to take a little time for yourself allowing them to seize the opportunity to ruin your plans?

Well that’s exactly what happened Saturday at my house. One of my older sons was watching the girls so I could get a shower in preparation for a much needed, long overdue, I don’t feel the slightest twinge of guilt for taking the time for myself Girls’ Night in Lexington. I hadn’t been out with my friends without husbands or children since April, and I was so excited!

I came out of my bedroom door to meet Brennen and Bianca coming up the stairs from the basement, the two of them smiling and laughing.

“Hey mommy! I have a rock up my nose,” Bianca said with a giggle.

“Oh, let me get that rock out of your nose,” I timbered back (timber being Bianca’s word for pretend) as I pinched her little nose and gave it a tug. “I got it!”

I walked back into my bathroom with Bianca trailing behind me.

“Mommy, you didn’t get the rock out of my nose yet,” Bianca said in a still-jovial voice.

(Parents: I’m about to admit that I did something that you should NEVER do. In my defense, at the time I did this I still thought I was timbering with my daughter. The lesson learned is this – If your child says they have something stuck in an orifice of their body, take a look…even if you think they are joking.)

“Here,” I replied handing Bianca a Q-tip. “Try using this to get the rock out of your nose.”

Bianca climbs up on the vanity, Q-tip in hand, and begins digging for gold or rocks in this scenario.

With a very discouraged face, Bianca hands the Q-tip back to me and says, “Here mommy, this isn’t working. I still have a rock in my nose.”

“Bianca,” I say starting to get a little annoyed with this game. “You just have to timber that you’re getting the timber rock out of your nose.”

“But mommy,” she says just as annoyed with me. “You still haven’t gotten the real rock out of my nose that I put in my nose.”

And, the light bulb is FINALLY on!

“Bianca,” I begin in a fearful voice. “Where did you get the rock that you put in your nose?”

“On the thing…downstairs,” Bianca says motioning that she’s reaching up on the windowsill.

NOOOO! I think remembering picking a pebble up out of the carpet and sitting it on the windowsill with every intention to carry upstairs and throw away. Woops!!!

By the time I actually looked in Bianca’s nose – after pinching on it and telling her to jam a Q-tip in it – that rock was lodged nice and deep…not where buggers normally rest up front, but behind that – on it’s way to her sinus canal.

I briefly thought about having Bianca try to blow her nose, but quickly scratched that idea knowing my daughter has never been able to master the concept. Instead of blowing her nose, she always sucks the snot back up in her head. I figured I’d already done enough damage, so I decided to head straight to the ER….the whole time annoyed that I’m suppose to be having dinner with girlfriends, not sitting in the emergency room for three hours so we can pay somebody $100 to stick some fancy tweezers up my child’s nose.

But here’s another thing for all the mothers out there…doesn’t it amaze you how even when you are the most frustrated with your children, they can do something sweet and cute and totally adorable…forcing you to forget that you wanted to throttle them?

Bianca sat there by me in that emergency room waiting room, holding on to her Brown Bunny, like such a big girl. She was so polite to the nurses, and she didn’t act scared or out-of-control while they checked her heart rate (you know, she acted totally different than the way she is at home.) And by the time we’d played hospital in our room while we waited for five minutes, I’d completely forgotten that I was ever disappointed in her.

 

The door to our room opened and a man walked in with a smile.

“Don’t laugh,” he began. “But I’m Dr. Roc.”

How appropriate! Dr. Roc is here to get the rock out of my daughter’s nose.

He pulled that puppy out of her nose in about one minute.

Dr. Roc placed the rock on the bed beside Bianca and jokingly asked me if we wanted to keep it as he began to throw it away.

“You bet we want to keep it,” I answered. “That rock cost us a hundred bucks! It’s going in her baby book.” ….If I ever get around to finishing it!