Standing in the Refrigerator

There are certain things we, as women, should NEVER have to hear.

For starters…and this is a major spoiler alert for Downtown Abbey fans like me…We should never have to hear that Matthew will be killed off at the end of season three so actor Dan Stevens can go off and have a Broadway career. Who does he think he is leaving Mary and me like this? (Thank you TV Guide for RUINING season three for me before it even gets started. I really appreciate it!)

We should never have had to hear that salads were NOT healthy when drowned in dressing. Who wants to eat dry lettuce…rabbits?

        And no OB/GYN should EVER say, “No Sarah, your stomach will NEVER look the same…unless you want to consider plastic surgery.” (Two years later and I’m STILL trying to prove you wrong Dr. Jackson!) 

But these days the things I, as a woman & a mom, should never hear have taken on a life of their own. It really is true that kids say the darnedest things. And when their my kids and their living in our house of cards where we’re all a moment away from disaster…well, things can get pretty interesting. 

Here are just a few of the horribly terrifying, hysterical, nerve-wracking things I’ve heard over the last few weeks…. 

We were getting ready to eat stir-fry for dinner one night (it’s still one of my favorite meals even though I almost burned my house down once while fixing stir fry… and this is the conversation that occurred.

Me (standing with the refrigerator door open talking to anyone within ear shot): “Do we have any soy sauce left?”

Bianca (running past me like the Road Runner): “Yes, I’ll have to get it. It’s under the couch.”

 

        I should have learned from the soy sauce incident that my twins are Houdini’s while the refrigerator door is open. If I’m searching the top shelves, they can sneak in like Santa and steal condiment bottles from the door.

One day I was fixing lunch in the kitchen.

Bianca (overheard from the living room): “Hey, who left the ranch dressing in the floor again?”

 

I really appreciate the fact that Bianca is uber comfortable at the doctor’s office, (on a recent visit she had a total meltdown when she found out that she DIDN’T get a shot) but there are times when you don’t want your child to throw around medical jargon.

We’re standing in the lobby of dance class, surrounded by tiny, tutu-clad dancers and their dance moms, when Bianca decides it’s a perfect time to enlighten everyone about her most recent diagnosis.

Bianca (to one of her little friends in a big enough voice to be heard across the room): “No! I cannot kiss you goodbye! I have Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease... Do you want to see my bumps?”

Medical Note: The doctor assured me she was not contagious as long as she didn’t have a fever and didn’t share saliva with anyone. That didn’t seem to ease every mom in the room as they pulled their daughters about three feet away from mine as discretely as possible.

 

Here lately, Bianca has had a thing about wanting to say Hi to people at the drive-thru…the fact that she is on a first-name basis with my baristas at the coffee shop should be a clear indication that I spend entirely too much time there…. But alas, I’d never thought much about obliging Bianca by rolling her window down until a few weeks ago.

We were in the Wendy’s drive-thru. I’m pretty sure the babies were crying, my phone was ringing and Bianca was pleading with me to roll her window down.

Bianca (as she first sees the woman working the register): “Oh my, Look at that fat lady!”

I PRAY the woman didn’t hear her!!!!

 

Let’s face it; our kids are genetically designed to embarrass us – usually at the most inopportune times. But it’s not because they mean to embarrass us, it’s because they are the most honest creatures on Earth. Bianca hasn’t yet learned that the most sure-fire way to clear a room is to announce that you have a disease. She doesn’t know that we don’t point-out people’s physical characteristics & if she says things like, ‘My mommy’s Bible has a layer of dust on it’ OR ‘My mommy’s clothes don’t go in her dresser, they just sit in a pile on her floor.’ Well, I can’t very well blame her, because she’s just pointing-out things she’s observed.

In my defense, my entire room is covered in a layer of dust, not just my Bible…and my clothes are in piles because, well, I have too many clothes!

So what’s the lesson to be learned? Nothing good happens when you stand with the refrigerator door open!